Jennifer M Eaton’s doing a blog hop critique–250 words (plus the end of the last sentence)–you post, critique others from the list, and critique back anyone who gives you a critique.
This is from Changeable, which will be a YA urban fantasy with two narrators. I’m experimenting farther from my comfort zone on this one, so I may fail, but I’m enjoying the effort.
UPDATE: Due to some feedback I’ve made some rewrites. I’m not finished with them, nor are they necessarily far enough, but it’s at least version 1.5 instead of 1.0. If anyone wants to read the changes, they’re here. Further posts may have some overlap as I move bits around.
Evelyn’s POV: At the beach, Evelyn is watching two dolphins when her friend Mabel yells that they need to go. Both spot a swimmer headed to shore, and wait. The tide washes seaweed on Evelyn’s bare foot and she does a ‘get-it-off’ dance, which the swimmer makes a snarky comment about. Ev starts to leave, but when he yells ‘Run, that’s what they all do!’ after her, she scolds him for being rude.
* * * *
Mabel trotted across the sand towards us. “Evelyn! Quit picking fights!”
“He started it.” After all, he’d come up to me, smirking about my perfectly understandable dislike of having dripping, slimy, and sometimes sharp-edged seaweed wrapped around my foot. I’d gotten the stuff tangled around an ankle while out wading and ended up with thin scratches and a lecture about keeping my legs in skirt worthy-shape from my mother only two weeks ago. I glanced out at the sea one more time, hoping to catch a glimpse of those two dolphins before we left. One was gone, and the other floated on the waves, body pointed towards us. “Great, you scared off the other dolphin.”
He huffed out an almost-laugh, sharp-edged, his eyes flat and not amused. “Sure. Pretend you don’t know I’m the other dolphin.”
Well, I really put my foot in it this time. Mabel’s right, I should think before I speak. I hadn’t noticed him shifting, so of course I hadn’t realized he was Changeable. I didn’t want to apologize, though. Maybe he wasn’t judging me the way I’d originally thought, but… he was still ill-mannered.
On the other hand, having made this situation worse, it was probably my turn to make it better.
Mabel, sensitive soul that she is, jumped into the loaded silence first. “Evelyn didn’t mean anything. She’s-”
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Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!