This 8 sentence blog hop is hosted by The Weekend Writing Warriors. (Click the link for the list of participants, or rules if you want to join!)

Continues from my last snippet of “Lily Wasn’t There” –Becca watches Lily work, while avoiding any work of her own. Last line: Becca and Vicki are talking about Becca’s date: “Can you believe he asked to split the check?”

wewriwa rectangle

“Really?” Vicki’s eyes widened.

She just loves to gossip. Got to be careful how much I tell her. “Yeah. His profile said he’s a doctor, so I thought he’d take me somewhere nice. Instead he picked this greasy diner and asked me to pay!” Becca half-listened to Vicki commiserating about the horrors of the dating scene as she thought about her wasted evening.

The doctor hadn’t been much in the looks department, either. She’d tried to be nice despite her disappointment, but he hadn’t appreciated her efforts.

*  *  *

“Lily Wasn’t There” is a short story I can’t quite get right. I’m hoping the feedback from WeWriWa will help.

Becca’s life hasn’t gone how she planned. Stuck in an accounting job she despises, she scrapes by with a paycheck that doesn’t buy her half of what she deserves. She wants to find a man before she’s thirty, get married, and never work another day in her life. While at work, she people-watches, and one particular coworker is often the focus of her attention–Lily. Lily is everything Becca hates–buttoned-up, bland, and overly dedicated to her job–or so Becca thinks.

About Caitlin Stern

I have a MA in English, and have so many fantasy/urban fantasy WIPs it's not even funny. I'm an avid reader of science fiction, fantasy, mystery, romance, biography, fiction, and anything else that catches my interest. I collect books, and bookmarks I find that are visually appealing and useful.

22 responses »

  1. musing5225 says:

    Great story. You created some really strong characters. Can’t wait to see what Lilly is actually like though.

    • caitlinstern says:

      We’ll be getting back to Lily soon. Whether you actually learn what she’s really like will have to be determined.

      Becca never knows, but I tried to work in enough hints.

  2. Gemma Parkes says:

    The greasy diner would annoy anyone! Lots of promise in these characters.

  3. Millie Burns says:

    I think I might have mentioned this before…but I really dislike Becca! With very few words, you create such loathing in me for her, nice job. I imagine she thought a weak smile and pretending to pay attention to the doctor were “being nice.”

  4. I have a feeling the doctor won’t be asking her out again! You’ve made these characters quite vivid and real but not overly pleasant people LOL. Will Lilly redeem things?

    • caitlinstern says:

      He could have been a jerk or actually a nice guy–it’s hard to tell through the Becca-filter.

      Becca doesn’t get a lot of second dates, and she places the blame for that firmly on anyone else’s shoulders.

  5. kaycimorgan says:

    Great snippet and I’ve totally been on that date, so I can relate.

    • caitlinstern says:

      I’m very sorry.

      Though on a first date, I don’t think you should expect someone to spend too much money on you, right? Something low-key, like coffee sounds like a plan.

  6. Yup, I’ve been on that date, too. lol I feel for her. Poor girl.

  7. evelynjules says:

    Love getting to know more about these characters! Greasy diners are only nice if they have the kind of food that Guy Fieri features on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. lol. Great work! 🙂

  8. Karen Michelle Nutt says:

    Vivid snippet. Love the inner thoughts.

  9. Vivid description. Definitely feel like I’m digging deeper into Becca’s personality–even by the things she takes note of. Great 8!

  10. Cara Bristol says:

    Dating horror stories always make for great fiction fodder.I can relate to her experiences. You said you needed help in your story. What isn’t going right? I think your blurb is interesting and I can identify with the characters but what I don’t see in it is conflict, defined as the obstacle that keeps Becca from her goal. She doesn’t like her co-worker, but that’s not what’s keeping her from getting married. What is? Why are all her dates dead-end?

    • caitlinstern says:

      I wrote this because of a class discussion about narrators. I decided to make a story where the narrator is peripheral to the character the story is about–and both prejudiced and not well informed.

      The problem was no one understood what was going on with Lily at all–just like Becca, but I was trying to leave Becca in the dark but inform the reader.

      It might be such an odd and complicated idea that I left out conflict, I’m not sure…

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