This 8 sentence blog hop is hosted by The Weekend Writing Warriors. (Click the link for the list of participants, or rules if you want to join!)

Last lines: Becca almost runs into a man with a toddler coming up the stairs, Lily’s husband and child, and can’t believe an attractive man married mousy Lily.

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On Sunday afternoon, Becca stepped out of her fifth store of the day, bags dangling from her wrists containing treasures by Prada, Gucci, and Chanel.

There’s no better way to spend the day–shopping and dinner at Café Voila.

A flash of color from the park across the street caught her eye as she headed toward her car.

A purple kite bobbed in the air, and Lily held its string. Beside Lily, her husband played catch with a shaggy mutt. The dog dropped a no doubt drool-covered tennis ball at his feet and sat, its tail thumping against the ground. On a nearby red plaid blanket, Daniel chewed on his fist.

Ew, too bad you have to get through spit, throw-up, and dirty diapers to get to the cute stage.

*   *   *   *   *   *

“Lily Wasn’t There” is a short story I can’t quite get right. I’m hoping the feedback from WeWriWa will help.

Becca’s life hasn’t gone how she planned. Stuck in an accounting job she despises, she scrapes by with a paycheck that doesn’t buy her half of what she deserves. She wants to find a man before she’s thirty, get married, and never work another day in her life. While at work, she people-watches, and one particular coworker is often the focus of her attention–Lily. Lily is everything Becca hates–buttoned-up, bland, and overly dedicated to her job–or so Becca thinks.

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About Caitlin Stern

I have a MA in English, and have so many fantasy/urban fantasy WIPs it's not even funny. I'm an avid reader of science fiction, fantasy, mystery, romance, biography, fiction, and anything else that catches my interest. I collect books, and bookmarks I find that are visually appealing and useful.

16 responses »

  1. Cara Bristol says:

    You say Lily Wasn’t There is a story you can’t get quite right. What part of it isn’t working for you?

    • caitlinstern says:

      The first draft I wrote in a college writing class, and most everyone had no idea what happened.

      I’m trying to give enough hints into Lily’s life for the reader to make some good guesses–without just coming out and giving the answers in the story.

      I figured either the WeWriWa community would get it/help or I’d write it off as an idea that doesn’t work.

  2. evelynjules says:

    Love the last line! Very nice, well-described excerpt, Caitlin! 🙂

  3. I think it works so far – I really don’t like Becca much LOL, which means you write her really well – but in snippets it’s hard to see where we’re going to end up. (In answer to your comments to Cara above.)

  4. I’m not sure where it’s going, but the characters are well written.

  5. Hmm, I wonder if she likes her life as much as shopping. Nice job!

  6. Nice 8. Very interested to see where this is going. 🙂

  7. Nice to see family interaction through Becca’s eyes.

  8. Love learning new things about Becca! I kinda feel like she’s slightly envious of Lily’s life. Maybe shopping and criticism is a way for her feel better about herself? Great 8!

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