Jennifer M Eaton’s doing a blog hop critique–250 words (plus the end of the last sentence)–you post, critique others from the list, and critique back anyone who gives you a critique.
This is from Changeable, which will be a YA urban fantasy with two narrators. I’m experimenting farther from my comfort zone on this one, so I may fail, but I’m enjoying the effort.
UPDATE: Due to some feedback I’ve made some rewrites. I’m not finished with them, nor are they necessarily far enough, but it’s at least version 1.5 instead of 1.0. If anyone wants to read the changes, they’re here. Further posts may have some overlap as I move bits around.
Summary:
Evelyn’s POV: At the beach, Evelyn is watching two dolphins when her friend Mabel yells that they need to go. Both spot a swimmer headed to shore, and wait. The tide washes seaweed on Evelyn’s bare foot and she does a ‘get-it-off’ dance, which the swimmer makes a snarky comment about. Ev starts to leave, but when he yells ‘Run, that’s what they all do!’ after her, she scolds him for being rude. He reveals that he was one of the dolphins she watched–and one of the Changeable–and Mabel tries to apologize for her friend.
* * * *
“Sure she didn’t.” He dismissed Mabel with a shrug.
Mabel’s lavender eyes widened, and her lip trembled as she fought back tears. People acted nice to Mabel, since she treated everyone with kindness. Her charm bounced right off this guy’s armor-plated skull, though. Well, Mabel wouldn’t fight back, but I definitely could defend her.
“Hey, no need to be rude. She’s trying to apologize.” I drew myself straight, shoulders back, chin up, and breathed in deeply for patience. How could I apologize if he wouldn’t listen?
ANTHONY
The morning started well, with Cynthia and I on the beach before dawn burned the gray from the sky. My sister and I love the ocean. That’s why we lived on the beach, and spent every moment we could out on the water. Sometimes I couldn’t get away, and felt like I might burst a vein from frustration. There’s so much weighing me down. But it felt great in the waves, weightless and free. Too bad we couldn’t stay there forever.
But this girl, Evelyn, stood on our beach like she belonged there more than we did. Homo sapiens commutabilis. That’s what the scientists call us. Everyone else calls us freaks. I’m sub-class delphinus. Minus the Latin, that means I can be a dolphin.
Everything about Evelyn said wealth and privilege. Smooth brown skin, and black hair floating around her face in a feathery cut that drew attention to her light brown eyes. Her expensive shorts and shirt couldn’t handle much dirt or activity.
* * * *
Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
https://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
caitlinsternwrites 
I think may be change drew myself straight to I stood tall…and Mabel, since she treated everyone with kindness…change since to ‘as’
breathed in deeply for patience…maybe change breathed in deeply trying to keep calm
Thanks for the comments!
‘People acted nice to Mabel’ is a weird way to phrase it. I understand that these are young people (?) but to read it, clunks a little.
I do like the idea of charm bouncing off this guy though. Gives a good, clear idea of what he’s like.
I like the shoulders and chin, a very good example of show instead of tell. Good enough that you can probably skip out the ‘for patience’ part. It’s implicit in the previous sentence.
It was “Mabel was nice to everyone, so everyone was usually nice to Mabel.” But I was trying to remove be-verbs…
I’ll re-think my re-thinking. 🙂
Thanks for the critique!
I understand; those verbs are a killer, but sometimes they are the ones that suit. It’s all about balance. 🙂 Glad to help.