Jennifer M Eaton’s doing a blog hop critique–250 words (plus the end of the last sentence)–you post, critique others from the list, and critique back anyone who gives you a critique.

sunday_snippets2

Since I’ve submitted Six Sunday Snippets in succession on a single story… I decided to pick a different WIP. Of which I have several, as I’ve fairly recently gotten over my tendency to never finish anything.

This is from Changeable, which will be a YA science fiction story with two narrators. I’m experimenting farther from my comfort zone on this one, so I may fail, but I’m enjoying the effort.

*    *     *     *

EVELYN

Halfway into summer vacation, my best friend Mabel and I spent the morning down at the beach. We caught a little sun, splashed in the water, and searched for interesting seashells and sea glass. I watched the sunlight refract off the water’s choppy surface, listened to the waves shush over the sand, and breathed in the salt and decay smell of the air.

Two dolphins appeared out in the deep water. They launched out of the waves, silver-gray bodies trailing crystal drops before they splashed into the ocean’s surface. Faintly, I heard my friend calling my name.

Come on, Ev!” Mabel huffed, exasperated.

I reluctantly turned from the spectacle of the dolphins. Mabel’s easy-going, but a stickler about being on time, and we had a lunch appointment. Without her, I perpetually ran a few minutes late.

“Ev!” Mabel repeated.

“What?” I glanced back at the sea to say goodbye to the dolphins. A human form broke the surface of the water near the shore, and swam towards me. “Coming! Just a sec!”

Mabel spotted the person in the water, glanced at her watch, frowned, but nodded.

It might be one of our friends, after all, and Mabel never encouraged me to be rude. I don’t need encouragement, she says, because I have rudeness down to an art.

The returning tide lapped over my bare feet, and I wiggled my brown toes into the damp white sands. My contentment died as the waves washed a strand of seaweed over my left foot. Ugh!

*    *     *     *

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About Caitlin Stern

I have a MA in English, and have so many fantasy/urban fantasy WIPs it's not even funny. I'm an avid reader of science fiction, fantasy, mystery, romance, biography, fiction, and anything else that catches my interest. I collect books, and bookmarks I find that are visually appealing and useful.

13 responses »

  1. Hi Catlin. I like the feel and smell of the beach and got goosebumps when the human form appeared. On pins and needles to know what might happen.

    Am a bit confused with second last paragraph:
    Mabel spotted the person in the water, glanced at her watch, frowned, but nodded. It might be one of our friends, after all, and Mabel never encouraged me to be rude. I don’t need encouragement, she says, because I have rudeness down to an art.

    I know it’s Ev talking. Is the second sentence inner dialogue? This paragraph is difficult to figure out.

    • caitlinstern says:

      Well, since she’s narrating, it’s all kinda inner dialogue, in a way. Would it help if I put a paragraph break between Mabel’s actions and what Evelyn thinks?
      * * *
      Mabel spotted the person in the water, glanced at her watch, frowned, but nodded.
      It might be one of our friends, after all, and Mabel never encouraged me to be rude. I don’t need encouragement, she says, because I have rudeness down to an art.
      * *
      Thanks for the comment!

  2. Intriguing and I have no further comment to make (as above). Just wondered what time era it is set in – the names are ‘older’ if you understand me.

    • caitlinstern says:

      Hmm. I just picked names I liked.
      It’s meant to be modern–though I agree that snippet has no good time clues–a wrist watch and summer vacation don’t narrow it down too much.
      Was it one name in particular? Or all three of them?

  3. Sci Fi? As in aliens? It feels more like fantasy (as I was expecting mermaids) but I may be wrong.

    A few minor things. “Dances on water” I’ve been told is now considered cliche. You may want to consider revising.

    Starting your second paragraph with “Then” is a show-stopper — in that it pulls the reader out and reminds them they are reading. This is your narrator “telling” the story rather than allowing the story to evolve. Try taking out the “then.”

    Otherwise, nice set up. I enjoyed it.

    • caitlinstern says:

      Maybe it’s urban fantasy again? …I thought it wasn’t, but I could be wrong. I can’t explain why I thought it’s Sci Fi without giving things away. But no mermaids, promise.
      Remove cliche and ‘then.’ Easily done.
      Thanks for the comments!

  4. […] to Part 1, and Part 2 if you need […]

  5. […] to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 if you need […]

  6. […] to Part 1, Part 2,Part 3, and Part 4 if you need […]

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